Learning to Love

Context. What is the purpose of the human experience?

Before moving on to the next topic, it is helpful to place ourselves within a context that offers a new way of looking at life, a new paradigm, one that allows us to be happier and to understand human beings. You don't have to agree with everything that follows, or believe any of it, because we are not talking about beliefs. All you need to do is verify in your own life the results of applying this information, to see whether they hold true for you.

If these inner results are happiness, peace, and harmony, then we will know that this information is true. If our external experiences in relationships, health, resources, and adaptation to our environment improve, then we will confirm that this information is wisdom.

The purpose of the human experience is to evolve, to develop our consciousness so that we may be filled with wisdom and love. All human beings, without exception, have come into the world to work on our spiritual development, sharing and participating in experiences with other human beings. Life is a remarkable educational process of the Universe; planet Earth is a “spiritual school,” and every experience we live through can be compared to an academic year.

Spiritual development is inner work, absolutely individual and personal. No one can do it for another person, but neither can it be done “without others.” In other words, we need interaction and experience with other people in order to build our own development, to get to know ourselves. Sometimes, instead of taking charge of our own development, we try to interfere with that of others; in those cases, instead of learning from others, we want to change them. All this accomplishes is to distort the educational process, or to try to distort it, and in doing so we complicate our own lives.

Only by understanding this can we effectively ask ourselves, “What does life want to teach us in each situation?”, since every situation is a lesson. Ultimately, it is about learning to transmute ignorance into wisdom.

When we notice that suffering is disappearing, that inner peace is becoming unshakable, and that our capacity to create, act, love, and serve is expressed without any condition or restriction, it means we have attained wisdom.

In order to lay the foundation for a new civilization that brings a greater level of satisfaction to all people, we must begin by bringing harmony to ourselves. To do so, it is essential to study the universal laws and apply the principles that lead to wisdom. We must bear in mind that we will truly reach wisdom only through constant practice and by discarding the theories and concepts that prove to be wrong. In this way, it will be possible to develop peace and harmony right where we are, through the lessons of daily life, since life is the best school and nature the best teacher.

All it takes to achieve efficiency is to stop resisting the perfect order of the Universe; mental inefficiency is necessary to discover, through saturation, that the Laws of the Universe exist. Once we have suffered enough, we are ready to understand the Laws. For the external struggle to cease, the internal one must cease first, and for that we must have accepted that everything that exists and everything that happens is perfect and necessary, because it has a purpose of love.

Studying and understanding why the things that exist and happen do so can lead us to recognize the Laws, which in turn make it possible to create a better future for humanity.

There are seven Laws of the Universe that govern all of its processes of creation, administration, and evolution. Of these seven, four are fundamental, since they control the development and evolution of the consciousness of the human species anywhere in the Universe. These four Laws form the lower triangle, while the Law of Evolution is the upper one, governing the lower triangle, also called the triangle of hell because it is the lowest part of the universal laws.

We will be within the Law when we love, enjoy, and value what we have. Everything that is within the Law works and flows on its own.

Everything that brings suffering, anguish, pain, or illness does so because we are going against the Laws, and through that we come to recognize them. The results we experience when we step outside the Laws allow us to recognize their existence. It is necessary to make mistakes in order to discover the Law. Mistakes are not the problem; the problem is not learning from them.

The Law is designed so that we ourselves make a change, not so that we try to change others.

As you can see in the following tables, the human experience is governed by four specific Laws.

In the tables above, on the right-hand side we see the effects of violating the Law. In the topic on the Laws of the Universe, we will also find an explanation of the benefits of not violating the Law.

It is important not to confuse the universal laws with human laws or with rules. The former are immutable and cannot be repealed; they originate in the wisdom of the Absolute or Divinity and are therefore absolute. They cannot be modified or negotiated, and disobeying them has a negative result, in the sense of being unpleasant, and also a positive one, in the sense of the learning it involves. That is why it is said that human beings do not actually create laws but rather establish rules; we call them human laws, but they are rules, because they can be repealed, are temporary, and are useful for a given moment.

We have come to planet Earth to develop the three inner virtues: Happiness, Inner Peace, and Love or Service to Others. This development brings excellent results in four areas: Relationships, Resources, Health, and Adaptation to the Environment:

The idea is to use these virtues to relate to the external world. Learning to be happy, to have peace, and to love is the true purpose that brought us human beings into the physical world of matter.

Happiness, peace, and love are principles of the divine essence; they have no polarity; they are immutable.

Learning to be happy:

• To learn to be happy, you only have to face everything you believe takes your happiness away.
• To be happy, you don't need anything external, only understanding and a particular mindset.
• Non-acceptance is the only cause of suffering; we must stop resisting reality.
• It is essential to stop working on others and to work solely and exclusively on yourself, changing within yourself whatever bothers you (the ego) so that it stops doing so.
• If there is suffering, only one question needs to be asked: “What am I not accepting?” The answer lies there.
• Everyone, without exception, has what they need to be happy; however, very few know how to be happy with what they have. Learning to have peace:
• Nothing and no one provides peace.
• Inner peace is the result of one's own spiritual development, not a gift.
• Managing peace requires several elements: clear and accurate information to understand that life is a process of love and that evil does not exist; the ability to manage one's own life energy; and training.
• If you lose your peace, ask yourself: “What am I resisting? What do I want to change? Who am I blaming?” Learning to love your neighbor as yourself:
• To do this, all you have to do is take part in activities or spend time with people whose behavior is very different from your own, so that you learn to love and respect them just as they are.
• Love cannot be offended; it is invulnerable, immutable, universal, and neutral.
• Love implies a total understanding of the Universe; it is a way of being and does not need an “object” onto which to project itself.
• Love is not a force, but a tool.
• Love is not a feeling.
• To love is to always give the best of yourself.
• If you’re feeling unmotivated, it’s best to ask yourself why you’re allowing this specific situation to limit your ability to serve, which in reality shouldn’t depend on external events. By developing the three inner virtues, you’ll achieve excellent external results in all four areas:
• In relationships.
• In resources.
• In health.
• In adapting to our environment. Five elements are present in the life experience of every human being: purpose, destiny, mission, function, and intention.

1. The Purpose

There is a purpose of love that brought us into the material world; it is the perfect goal of learning two things:

a) Being happy by yourself, that is, not depending on anything or anyone to enjoy inner peace and happiness.

b) Loving your neighbor as yourself, that is, respecting the rights of all beings in the Universe.

And how is this learned? Here we can see the perfection of the Absolute’s pedagogical design. To practice learning to be happy by oneself, we need to live in a certain place, with certain people and in circumstances in which everything happening around us is more or less aggressive. In this way we’ll realize that our problem isn’t caused by what happens around us, but by the way we relate to it, and by the rejection and resistance we set in motion.

As for the second part, loving your neighbor as yourself, it means respecting them just as they are, not trying to change them, and not resisting others. It is necessary to live in a place where the people around you think differently, have varied customs, and believe in different things. In this way, we will learn to love them as they are, without judging or condemning them. This is how the purpose of love is fulfilled; it is the true reason why we human beings are on planet Earth.

More than 2,000 years ago, the Master Jesus taught us this when he said, “Love your enemies”—who are not our enemies, but simply people who think differently.

Being happy means experiencing zero suffering in the face of whatever happens; and loving means offering zero resistance to others. Wisdom is equal to love, not to sentiment. A person who has love cares deeply about others but does not suffer; by contrast, a person who lacks wisdom but has kindness cares deeply about others but suffers enormously. Those who don’t care, the callous and the indifferent, have neither wisdom nor kindness.

2. Destiny

It is what we come to learn from the material world—learning to use the seven tools of love in order to have invulnerable peace. It is a great opportunity to learn what we lack.

We all bring into the world an unavoidable destiny, one of enormous value. Our culture teaches us to try to evade destiny instead of showing us how to make the most of it. The key to making the most of destiny is: "You have the ability to enjoy anything you do, because that ability is within you.".. However, if someone tells their child: "You always have to do what you like.", it will create an enormous block in them.

Destiny is a pedagogical design whose purpose is to allow human beings to verify and discover information that governs the Universe and its perfect order. It is therefore the best opportunity to transcend all of our human limitations. Instead of complaining about the difficulties life presents, we should take advantage of them as a great opportunity to transcend them; then they will disappear forever. If we don’t learn from difficulties, far from disappearing, they will become more complicated, persist, and become permanent.

3. The Mission

It consists of what we can teach in the material world. We should enjoy our mission intensely, whether or not it is part of our own function.

Mission allows us to recover a great deal of the vital energy invested in the exercise of learning to be happy. Mission is what has already been understood, what is already known; therefore, it can be used to serve others while enjoying ourselves intensely.

Both mission and destiny are represented in the personality: the latter through the belief system, and the former through understanding. As we transmute our ignorance into understanding and wisdom, we will have more and more mission and, therefore, more satisfaction.

4. The Function

It is what each person does to earn their livelihood; it consists of putting as much enthusiasm, joy, and love as possible into what you do, even if it isn't part of your mission.

We know that all living beings have a function within the order of the Universe. It takes wisdom to take it on with joy, with enthusiasm, with a full capacity for action and service. Function is not about “earning a living”; life is not “earned,” because it is a divine gift. What we earn is the sustenance of this biological entity, this body.

Thus, our sustenance is guaranteed as a result of our function. Those who are happy and enjoy what they do will always have an abundance of resources.

5. The Intention

It is what we want for ourselves or for others. Intention should be directed in such a way that it does not interfere with the destinies of others or try to evade our own destiny.

Intention is the most complex element for human beings today, because sentiment, the idea of goodness, and the other ideas that culture mistakenly passed on to us constantly lead us to try to interfere with the destinies of others. If we accepted that destiny is something extraordinary and not “bad,” that it is the best opportunity we have to fulfill what we came to do in the world, we would stop trying to change other people’s destinies.

When a child wants to become independent and the parents oppose it, how can we act so as not to interfere? We always want things to work our way. In this case, the parents feel it isn’t the right time because their child doesn’t have a stable job, for example, and they don’t want them to leave home. Our “I wants” are the cause of suffering. The “I want” is also called unconscious selfishness, because we want others to be happy doing what we want them to do.

What would be the wise and loving thing to do in this case? To tell the child: “For us, the most important thing is that you are happy and that you find your own path, so we respect your decision. Know that if you want to come back, the door will always be open.”

Ultimately, wisdom means having a clear sense of purpose, making the most of destiny, enjoying your mission, taking on your function, and managing the intention not to interfere with other people’s destinies, and it requires that all of this be practiced in thought, word, and deed.

Chapter 1. What Does It Mean to Love?

To learn how to love, it’s essential to know what we’re talking about, to clarify what this really means, and thus to start from a common ground. When we talk about love, we assume we’re all referring to the same thing, but it’s easy to see that each of us understands something different. Therefore, it’s best to agree on its meaning so as not to confuse love with fondness, affection, “caring,” or physical attraction.

In the following pages, we will describe the characteristics of love, and we will also recognize what is not love.

Love does not arise spontaneously; rather, it is an inner virtue that we must work on and develop. Once a person is filled with happiness and peace, they are ready to practice loving others as they love themselves; for if we don’t love ourselves, what can we offer to others?

We learn to love by loving ourselves.

Love means total freedom to express peace and harmony toward everything around us. If that is not the case, it is easy to recognize that even though a person may express other normal human traits, they have not yet attained love.

Love can also be defined as the ability to have excellent relationships that benefit all parties; it involves zero resistance toward others, because love cannot confront anything. If it does, it is because it is offering resistance to something it does not understand, and love is absolute understanding.

Love is universal.

Universal and unconditional, we might add. It can be compared to the sun: when the sun rises, it does so for everyone; it doesn’t decide to shine on one person and not on another. Applied to human beings, if we are not capable of treating others the same way we treat our “dear ones,” then we do not truly love, but rather “care for” them. Our beloved are everyone, whereas our dear ones are those with whom we have established specific agreements—which are the only thing that distinguishes one relationship from another. In short, if love isn’t universal, then it isn’t love; it’s a feeling, fondness, attachment…

In line with the above, if there is a condition along the lines of “I have to…,” then we are not talking about love, because love implies absolute freedom and no obligations. We are just as free to share as to move away.

In the following table, we will clarify several concepts related to love:

Love is like water.

Here is a beautiful comparison: water takes on every shape, and it does so perfectly. What is it that cannot adapt to a shape? That which is rigid, that which does not move, that which is incapable of change—in other words, a person who cannot develop their spirituality, because concepts become rigid and inflexible for them. We call these individuals “post people.”

The result for the “post person” will always be suffering and dissatisfaction, because to find satisfaction they would need to relate to people who are flexible, adaptable, loving, understanding, and full of peace and harmony—and being such a rigid “post,” this is simply not possible for them.

What love is not:

Loving doesn't mean "I like it"; that's just attraction.

Loving does not mean wanting; that is only satisfaction.

Loving does not mean kindness; that is only feelings.

Loving does not mean joining together; those are only agreements.

Loving does not mean friendship; that is only sharing.

To love is to be happy with the other person's happiness.

To love is to accept the other person as they are, without wanting to change them. In a relationship, if one partner is happy with the other's happiness, and vice versa, everything else takes a back seat.

The Master fully accepts others just as they are, whatever their experience may be at that moment, and loves them just the same, regardless of what they do or say. This is the true hallmark of the expression of love.

Ordinary human beings, on the other hand, don’t act that way. Instead, we judge, interpret, criticize, and condemn those who don’t behave the way we want them to, those who don’t do things the way we like or the way we believe is right. When someone strays from what another person considers “normal,” they immediately become the target of all kinds of criticism, aggression, or condemnation. And why do we do that? Only out of ignorance.

Filling yourself with love means setting aside sentiment, respecting the other person's experience, giving them the freedom to experience, and not taking on the results of other people's decisions.

Love is neutral.

Love has no duality; it is like peace: neutral. Even if a person does something we find unpleasant, if we love them, we don't stop loving them because of it, because we accept them just as they are. The neutrality of love means that we love the ignorant just as much as the wise, and those who are sunk in darkness just as much as those who are full of light. In fact, love is closer to those who are in darkness, because from love's point of view, they are the ones who need the most support.

Loving consists of neutralizing positive or negative charges at a point where we understand that everything is necessary for learning to be happy. And this shows in our ability to take pleasure, enjoy, and delight in every moment of life and in every relationship we have.

Love is not a feeling.

There are enormous differences between love and feeling. A feeling is not trustworthy, because it has duality. Affection, for example, is a feeling, and it proves to be dual because we can shift from it to hatred as soon as the external situation changes. The use of feelings is to get to know ourselves, but we should not use them to build relationships. Affection comes to an end, whereas love is infinite.

Furthermore, a feeling can be negative, but love never is. Feelings can be changeable, because they originate in internal sensations of pleasure or displeasure, but this is not the case with love, in which everything can be reconciled.

Moreover, love is expressed universally: toward any species, in any situation, because with love we can always respect and understand any being or event. Feeling, however, is specific and individual.

To love is to enjoy everything you do.

It is not true, as people often say, that we suffer for love; we cannot suffer because of love. We suffer only because of personality, ego, feelings, and ignorance. Love brings constant enjoyment; feeling, in contrast, swings from positive to negative in response to external influences that we are unable to handle. Therefore, if we suffer, it is because there is neither love nor understanding. There is no need to worry about this, though; it is a normal process: we are on the path. It is therefore in our interest to build relationships of love so that they are lasting and stable.

Compared to the heights of spiritual development, feelings are something entirely primitive, basic, and elemental. Once we begin to draw closer to love, we no longer need them. It’s like a child who crawls: once they learn to walk, it would be absurd for them to go back to crawling. Love can guide feeling, thought, emotion, actions, and decisions, if we learn to recognize it and use it.

1.1 Managing Feelings and Emotions

Knowing how to manage feelings and emotions is essential for maintaining a good relationship, since it’s amazing how easily they can shift from positive to negative in the face of any disagreement, discomfort, or aggressive situation, no matter how small, and thus put the relationship in serious danger. When you notice that your feelings have turned negative, before saying or doing anything at all, you should change that polarity with the following practice: recall all the qualities and happy moments you’ve shared with your partner, and once you feel good again, express in a healthy way your need to reach an agreement on the matter at hand.

As for negative emotions, it’s necessary to let them out, but never against anyone, since they are tremendously harmful to the relationship. The best thing to do is go to a secluded place where you can release them by running, pounding the ground, screaming, or crying.

It is not healthy to repress emotions, whether positive or negative; the right thing to do is to let them flow. If the emotions that arise come from positive stimuli, they are extraordinary for relationships; but if they are negative, the product of instinctive defense, it is essential to step away from others in order to release them. One of the great mistakes passed down to us by our culture is the idea that we need to learn to control and repress our emotions; this is not so, because if we do, we become toxic, we poison ourselves, and we somatize various illnesses. Emotions should be channeled, allowed to express themselves and to flow, but always in an appropriate way and in the right place.

We shouldn't refuse to feel; rather, we should learn to decide what to do with what we feel.

The best way to heal a relationship or to heal yourself is, first, to release your emotions and then to change the polarity of the negative feeling through thought; in other words, to carry out a mental reprogramming with positive thoughts.

Readers may wonder how they can manage the negative emotions and feelings that arise in response to certain behaviors of their partner or other people close to them. The answer to this question follows:

First, to manage emotions, we’ll use the “Wailing Wall,” which helps us release the adrenaline coursing through our blood without hurting anyone.

Emotion arises from instinct. Other people aren’t to blame for how you feel; therefore, if a stimulus triggers negative emotions, you need to step away from it and release those emotions by “burning off” adrenaline through physical exercise, crying, shouting… And to avoid damaging relationships with others, it’s important to do this, as we’ve already said, in a secluded place, preferably in nature: among the rocks, in the woods, or near calm waters, such as a river or the sea.

Second, to manage feelings, we’ll use the polarity shift. Feeling arises from the mind, from belief, from personality. Each of us provides information to our mind through thought. So if we recall a wonderful moment with our partner, or with any other person with whom we have a conflict, a pleasant feeling of joy and closeness will arise. If, on the other hand, we bring a painful memory to mind, the feeling will immediately be different. The only way to rebuild feelings is through the recognition of values.

This repolarization exercise is useful for couples who are working through their differences and want to rebuild their relationship, not for those who have already broken up or separated. If that’s our case, it’s best not to think about our ex-partner, but simply to wish them well and let each of us go our own way, because “ruminating” about the other person again isn’t healthy: if we think about the “bad” in that relationship or that person, we’ll fill ourselves with resentment and wounds that won’t make it easier to form new relationships or improve our health; and if we think about the pleasant moments, the sense of frustration will be enormous when we realize that’s no longer there.

Everything that is pleasant for the body, everything that brings it pleasure, is a stimulus that generates happiness hormones (endorphins) and other neurotransmitters, such as dopamine and serotonin. This strengthens the immune system, improves health in every way, and creates a sense of closeness, integration, and pleasantness; that is why endorphins are so beneficial. But keep in mind that they are generated in response to a stimulus. Aggression, on the other hand, generates adrenaline, which in turn produces stress and the secretion of the hormones of aging, deterioration, somatization, and aggression.

These are automatic mechanisms of the human being. How we stimulate them is up to us, and that determines whether the resulting emotions are positive or destructive.

In this regard, it is worth clarifying that we have a false idea about crying. It is usually given a negative connotation, one of sadness, but there are also tears of joy, which come from emotions that are in turn generated by a pleasant stimulus.

1.2 The Understanding of Love

Wisdom = Understanding of love = Truth.

The reason why someone does something, or does not, can be completely different for an ignorant person than for a wise one. Outwardly the difference may not be noticeable, but within each person, decisions made out of understanding of love free the person from suffering and lead them to a state of total inner peace. Decisions made out of ignorance, even without blaming anyone for them, do not generate peace. The person may take responsibility for their mistake, and yet still not be at peace.

Someone who is full of love will never feel the need to do anything against another person’s rights. Therefore, through wisdom it is impossible for such a person to steal. Take the example of Robin Hood: he had a justification in his mind, but his actions were still absolutely ignorant, because they violated the Law of Correspondence.

Truth cannot be taught. Absolutely everything we learn needs to be verified through our own experience in order to become understanding, or to be modified if it does not correspond to the truth. The Master knows that truth cannot be taught; it can only be discovered and lived. A Master will give us information so that we ourselves can discover the truth, and tools so that we can achieve understanding.

Thus, to arrive at the understanding of love, we first learn and then practice what we have learned. Learning is related to receiving knowledge and paying attention to everything that happens around us. Practice, for its part, is related to applying knowledge; it is a form of training. And understanding consists of verifying knowledge through practice, by way of internal and external results. Learning, therefore, is a step toward understanding.

Love is the verification of understanding.

It is inevitable that we fill ourselves with beliefs. What matters is that they are at least flexible, because that allows us, after verifying them, to discard them if they are false and to strengthen them if they are true.

In other words, to go from innocence to wisdom, we inevitably have to pass through ignorance (mental contamination). The exercises for cleansing ignorance and developing the true capacity to love take place when we consciously decide to replace our learned attitudes and behaviors with attitudes and behaviors of love. The latter are recognized by the results we obtain in life.

Let us, then, give up using learned attitudes of selfishness and train instead in positive attitudes of love. This is constant work in which we strive to express love above all else.

But how can we cleanse this mental contamination? With the seven tools of love. As we use them, ignorance begins to disappear.

Constant work with the seven tools of love gives us the training we need to live in a higher civilization.

On the other hand, subtracting love from our own lives is an unconscious process we have become used to as the result of an “education” based on imposition, lack of support, incomprehension in the face of “mistakes,” and poor communication. In the topic Learning to Have Peace, you can see a table with examples of aggressive communication and loving communication. We recommend reading it and practicing it.

If we get into frequent arguments and various forms of aggression, defending what we believe rather than the truth, all we will achieve is to damage our relationships and constantly subtract love from our lives.

Love implies a deep understanding of the necessity and value of an event, which makes it part of a perfect process. The development of love is the development of the inner understanding that leads us to a profound acceptance of the order of the Universe, and whose inner results are peace and happiness.

Figure 1. The Point of Love Acting on the Lower Centers

Love is the higher center of understanding, balance, and neutrality. The lower centers are activated by its energy, and in this way the duality these centers present is harmonized and neutralized, allowing the qualities of love to be expressed through the characteristics of each one. In the preceding graphic, we can see how the neutralizing action of love on the lower centers takes place along the central line of balance.

At the higher levels of this pyramid there is less and less possibility of lateral oscillation. Finally, at the level of affection there is no oscillation at all; that is, there is no negative affection, nor even positive affection. It is simply an energy with characteristics similar to those of love, that is, neutral.

However, unlike love, affection is directed only toward certain people or other living beings; it is not universal. For the energy of affection to arise and be expressed, there must be a sense of harmony, empathy, friendship, or liking; otherwise, affection does not arise.

When affection acts on the human being, it generates peace, inner security, self-esteem, mental balance, the capacity for integration, enthusiasm, a desire to share, and a strengthening of friendship and other relationships, stimulating the development of feelings that can express love. By contrast, when there is a lack of affection, people fall into states of apathy, sadness, mental imbalance, and a tendency toward neurosis. In many cases the need to socialize originates in a lack of affection, since the mere fact of being within seventy centimeters (about 28 inches) of another person makes us share their auric field, through which affection is transmitted. For this reason, prolonged solitude is not good for the human being, who will soon begin to show the symptoms of a lack of affection.

1.3 Differences Between Affection and Love

Affection is associated with feelings, feelings in turn with beliefs, and beliefs reside in the mind. Affection fades easily as soon as a situation arises that is unpleasant or conflictive for the person.

Sometimes a feeling is hurt, and because of that wound affection is canceled out. But if you love, you can always rebuild the feelings and stabilize the relationship. This is so because love understands that a mistake is always an opportunity to learn, and a success an opportunity to verify.

Just as the duality of a belief takes shape as “good” versus “evil,” the duality of a feeling can be defined as “today I love you and tomorrow I hate you.”

1.4 What Is Love For?

Love is completely neutral, and it is the fundamental basis of the Universe. Its main uses are:

• To understand, accept, and respect every living being.
• To respect the concepts, ideas, customs, and experiences of others.
• To recognize the value of all beings and things.
• To change the polarity of negative feelings.
• To lay the groundwork for building relationships of lasting satisfaction.
• To sustain harmonious, united family units.
• To support the development of a healthy society that can live in peace and harmony.

1.5 What is affection for?

Affection also has no negative polarity, but it is not universal. It serves to:

• Nurture and stimulate feelings that can express love.
• Strengthen and improve relationships and friendships.
• Develop the ability to integrate with and understand others.
• Stimulate enthusiasm and the desire to share, which are forms of nourishment.
• Nourish the mental center and sensitivity to love.
• Help all beings bring out the best in themselves.

1.6 What are feelings for?

Feelings can be hurt, they are sensitive, and they are a tool for self-knowledge—if you feel happy, you know your virtues; if you feel unhappy, you know your limitations. If we try to spare others from suffering, what we are actually doing is hindering their spiritual development. Thus, feelings are useful for:

• Knowing the conditions of one's own inner world.
• Cultivate the sensitivity and the strength to act.
• Support or hinder the learning of others.
• Build or destroy relationships.
• Generate or inhibit the desire to share life and sexuality.

1.7 What are emotions for?

For their part, emotions serve to:

• Release accumulated internal tension.
• Generate well-being and support the development of relationships—when they are constructive.
• Damage relationships and drive people apart—when they are destructive.
• Boost or inhibit enthusiasm for living life.

1.8 What is instinct for?

Finally, instinct serves to:

• Recognize the genetic complement.
• Identify what is necessary to sustain life.
• Defend existence in states of ignorance.
• Maintain aggression in relationships.
• Flee from learning situations. Once we have reached an understanding of the order of the Universe and know that there is nothing we need to defend, the survival instinct is no longer necessary.

1.9 Love is a decision

Every human being, from their individual experience, aspires to live in a better world. To reach it, a person needs to begin right now to fertilize their mind with the seed of love and wisdom, which will grow within them and bring them into alignment with an extraordinary future. In reality, the wonderful world we dream of already exists; we only need to align ourselves with it by replacing our aggressive thoughts, communication, and actions with loving thoughts, communication, and actions. Love is an individual decision.

The seeds of the future are planted in the present mind through thoughts of love—thoughts marked by a high level of personal satisfaction, as well as respect and understanding for the experience of others. Thoughts of love create within the individual the characteristics of affinity in attitude and behavior, which will ultimately align them with a world of love.

The whole process follows a perfect sequence: it begins with a thought. For that thought to be one of love, and not born of ignorance, it is necessary to draw on your own mental archive of understanding—that is, the spiritual part of love that is conscious in each of us, developed to a greater or lesser degree—and to generate the thought from there. When properly sustained, this thought begins to update the mind with the principle of love, and as a result it generates outward attitudes and behaviors, from which the following steps arise: updating of the mental field, rise of vital energy, verification of a new inner sensation, projection of a new behavior, and observation of a new result. While you carry out this exercise, life, in its educational process, tells us: “You’re doing an excellent job, but let’s see whether you have already developed enough understanding and inner strength by putting you to the test.” In this way, a situation arises in the physical world so that you can verify whether you truly carried out a good mental reprogramming. If it was not strong enough, when faced with the test the person experiences suffering, rejection, and the desire for revenge or justice once again—with less intensity, admittedly, but they have not yet passed the test. Then you must go back to the starting point, return to the thought, and keep working on the thought of love.

The reprogramming of the mental field can only be done from an understanding of love. We need to repeat the following phrase in our thoughts hundreds of times: “Everyone always does the best they know how and the best they can.” In this way, our mind will not believe that there is ill intent, or that anyone is to blame, or that justice must be done or punishment imposed.

When we have thought enough about the fact that everyone does the best they know how and with the best intention, but has the right to make mistakes, the moment of the test arrives: we find ourselves, for example, facing a person who is making a big mistake, and inside we think: “This person is doing the best they know how and deserves my love and respect; I am not going to judge them because they have the right to make mistakes; I am willing to serve them.” At that moment we know we have passed the test.

Once we have the information of wisdom, all we lack is training. We will only learn to love through a profound inner transformation that lets us enjoy every moment of our lives. This is a conscious, not automatic, taking in of information. When we open our minds to this new information, we begin to experience other ways of relating, of living together, and of sharing with the other beings of the Universe, becoming aware of the immeasurable resources that exist and of the infinite possibilities for the development of the human being.

And once a person has had enough of suffering and of processes of degradation, and decides to voluntarily and definitively renounce all aggression in thought, word, and deed, they also stop:

• Blaming anyone or anything for what they feel or what happens to them.
• Hurting themselves with their interpretations of reality.
• Running away from commitment.
• Asking, and is ready to act and serve unconditionally.
• Suffering because of circumstances they cannot change.
• Defending any cause, no matter how good it may seem.
• Imposing their views on anyone.
• Forbidding anyone anything.
• Confronting external circumstances.
• Depending on anything or anyone to be happy.
• Believing they own something or someone.
• Trying to limit or control others.
• Attacking in thought, word, and deed.
• Trying to interfere in the destinies of others.
• Blaming themselves for their own mistakes.
• Trying to change others.
• Being afraid of anything.
• Limiting themselves in their ability to love and serve.
• Becoming attached to anything or anyone. Instead, they begin to:
• Increase their vital energy.
• Have greater mental clarity.
• Improve their ability to perceive.
• Experience more joy, optimism, and enthusiasm for life.
• Feel able to enjoy every moment and every experience in life.
• Understand the need for peaceful, harmonious, and respectful coexistence with all beings in the Universe.
• Enjoy greater prosperity.
• Improve their relationships, health, abundance, happiness, and satisfaction in everything they do.
• Perceive a deep sense of peace within.
• Feel their capacity to love and serve expanding.
• See the possibility of accessing other, more advanced technologies. The best place we have to learn to love is planet Earth, because so many things happen around us, at such an impressive speed, that every second we have a new opportunity to love, to understand that there is no such thing as a culprit or ill intent, and that the more mistaken a person is, the more information they need, and the more we must love and respect them. We cannot love from our likes, beliefs, concepts, ideas, or feelings; we need to love from understanding, acceptance, and the tools of love. Unless we “shift to love,” our relationships will be catastrophic. To better understand what love is, we will place it in the spiritual archive, within the threefold structure of the human being: the genetic archive (body) is governed by the laws of nature, whose expression is emotion; the mental archive is governed by the intellectual information of culture, whose expression is feeling—that is, affection, beliefs…—;

and the spiritual archive is made up of the recognition of truth and of the Laws of the Universe, and its expression is love.

Chapter 2. Learning to Love as a Couple

Pairing up means placing ourselves on the same level and complementing each other. In other words, it means being willing to level out whatever differences may exist so that we can have an excellent relationship. If the scale is tipped, it is because there is more weight on one side than the other, so we need to balance the loads and the concepts.

Being a couple means becoming equals, which involves yielding—ideally on both sides—and learning to build agreements. Otherwise, the relationship will be a family or business partnership, but not a couple. Some couples put up with each other without separating because the partners share economic or social interests; others simply cannot stand each other and split up. There are really very few relationships that we can properly call a couple.

To the extent that we manage to build harmonious couples, we can begin to have harmonious families, and from there a peaceful civilization and society can be projected. In a harmonious social nucleus, the individuals who can sustain a new society develop.

2.1 The Functions of a Couple

The couple as an institution has the following main functions:

1. Establish the basis of family unity that leads to harmony within the social nucleus. A united and harmonious social nucleus is the foundation of a healthy society, since by its example it facilitates the integration and collaboration of other people and can raise healthy, emotionally balanced individuals who contribute to the development of a new society.
2. Create relationships that facilitate the expression of love. Building relationships grounded in love allows the couple to find mutual satisfaction in all areas of family life, learn to live together peacefully, and guide their children within a social group of harmonious growth. This is achieved through the tools of love, and also through good spiritual development and a proper understanding of the Laws of the Universe and of life, which help us improve our human condition.
3. Share and support one another in all of life’s circumstances. This decision forms the bond that allows the couple to project themselves into the future with the aim of sharing a common destiny that becomes a mission, a shared purpose in life. When people come together, they share not only the satisfying situations but also the difficulties. And it is in those moments that the family needs to support the one who is struggling. We must be willing to offer support and look for solutions, not culprits, and neither criticize nor attack.
4. Grow together. Spiritual growth is nothing other than broadening our understanding and learning to handle situations with greater wisdom, without suffering, fighting, or blaming. Growing is one of the functions of a couple because, in doing so, we learn adaptability, flexibility, the ability to yield, appreciation, conciliation, support… When we grow, life begins to be very satisfying because conflicts disappear.
5. Have children consciously. This is when the couple consciously decides to take on the responsibility of bringing children into the world. Procreation is not a result of marriage but a conscious act of love that brings great happiness to the family. Just as we prepare for an exam, a competition, or an interview, it is highly advisable for a couple to prepare to have a child and to agree on the right time; it is essential to prepare for the wonderful event of becoming parents so that everything is in harmony.
6. Support the upbringing of the children and the integration of the family. Supporting the development and harmonious upbringing of children from an understanding of love facilitates the integration of the family as a whole, within a process of mutual growth that ensures the future stability of the social nucleus. The goal is for children to grow up healthy and to be able to join society as individuals who make contributions to it, who are its builders and not its destroyers.

2.2 What is the purpose of pairing up?

The main purpose is to have more than you could have on your own—that is, to strengthen yourself. To enjoy greater harmony and balance, to enjoy a more satisfying life than you would alone, and to improve your individual condition by joining with another person. This is the purpose, but it is not usually the result.

And we don't achieve that result because we were “sold” the false idea that we would find someone who would make us happy. But the reality is that if we expect another person to come into our lives and behave just as we want them to, so that we can feel happy, that isn't love; it's selfishness. You can find happiness within yourself and learn to share it with other people, because happiness is an inner condition of the human being.

So, the first thing you need to measure before thinking about pairing up is your level of happiness: if it is 50%, you will have good options for pairing up, because you can draw on that percentage, which has more strength than suffering; but if your own level of happiness is low and your suffering is very high, what you will share with the other person is suffering, limitations, aggression, all the elements that deteriorate a relationship. Therefore, it is better for that person to be in a relationship but not to marry, because in that case the conflict will be very great. Couples are few; marriages are many.

If we aspire to succeed in all types of human relationships, including those as a couple, we need to work on the three inner virtues: happiness, peace and love. A human being's outer success is the result of their inner development, and not the other way around.

We can do our own personal assessment to recognize the capacity for love that we hold within. So, if I am willing…

• … to accept, to yield and to be flexible, it is because I possess the virtue of happiness.
• … to respect, not to lash out or get upset over the mistakes that people make around me or toward me, I possess the virtue of inner peace.
• … to commit to my agreements and to serve even though difficulties may arise, I possess the virtue of love.

2.3 What do we need to know before pairing up?

To know that we are in a good frame of mind to build a partnership with another person, we first need to know that our differences are truly reconcilable and that we cannot look for happiness in anyone else; also, that a couple's relationship is built on a mental level, not a physical one; and that falling in love is not an indicator of compatibility for relationships, but rather the surest way to go wrong. This is so because falling in love arises from instinct, although it later encompasses feelings and affection, and instinct has no way of recognizing the mental field or the personality, only genetic compatibility for procreation.

It has been scientifically proven that falling in love produces the “happiness hormone,” called phenylethylamine (PEA), in addition to the neurotransmitters we mentioned earlier. This hormone rules out the possibility of a deeper analysis of the other person and does not allow you to verify whether there is mental compatibility between the two individuals. Physical attraction does not imply compatibility in other areas that truly complement and sustain a stable, highly satisfying relationship. A harmonious couple is built on mental compatibility.

2.4 How can we learn to live together as a couple?

Through the tools of love. And also by knowing that men and women are complementary opposites—that is, that the feminine structure is receptive and the masculine is emitting—they can complement each other in harmony if their mental fields are harmonious. Adaptation and flexibility are necessary.

2.4.1 How can you manage a couple's relationship harmoniously?

Achieving adequate stability as a couple requires, at a minimum, following these five steps:

1. Reworking the meaning of love. This means being very clear about what love is, because the success of the relationship will depend on our level of inner love. Are we willing to accept others, or would we rather fight with them? Are we able to keep our peace? Are we willing to apply the principles of freedom, support, trust, respect, tenderness and service in the relationship? We need to give up trying to change others. Each of us has the inner capacity for self-transformation, but this choice must be made individually. Wanting to change another person in order to feel good ourselves is a characteristic of selfishness, and it clearly leads to conflict. If you do not accept the other person as they are, or if there is no compatibility in aspects that are very important to you, there is no point in being a couple.
2. Mutual recognition of shared and complementary values. This ensures the foundation for building an excellent relationship as a couple, and it should always come before falling in love. It's about observing compatibilities: for example, if a person is in love but doesn't admire the other person's values, the infatuation will disappear very quickly. On the other hand, if there is mutual admiration, even if the infatuation isn't very intense, an excellent relationship can be built. Physical compatibility can be recognized through falling in love, but this doesn't guarantee that the relationship will work; it's necessary to learn to guide with love both the physical file—that is, the emotions—and the mental file—feelings, beliefs…. We have the right to feel and to experience; the problem isn't in what we feel or what we think, the problem is in what we do with what we feel and think. Instinct works through stimulation, the mind through information, and the spirit through verification (understanding). Mental compatibility can be recognized in the ability to reach agreement.
3. Attraction and falling in love. Attraction is purely physical and emotional, not mental or rational. When a person feels attracted to another, certain phenomena occur in their body: the pulse quickens, blood pressure and breathing rate increase, the other person appears in the mind obsessively… All of this happens because instinct recognizes something attractive. Admiration, however, has to do with the mental—we notice compatible personality traits—and with the spiritual—values and virtues. Both falling in love and the feelings that result from physical attraction are not very trustworthy when it comes to establishing a relationship; feelings are changeable, and falling in love is temporary, subject to the action of phenylethylamine (PEA), a hormone that does not override the personality, although it can produce certain behaviors associated with the state of being in love. Having a stable and very satisfying relationship is no obstacle to falling in love with other people. What such a person will not do is give free rein to that state; they will let it pass for what it is, a temporary emotion to which they will pay no attention, but they will not refuse to enjoy the sensation either; they may not even say anything. By this we mean that denying our human nature is not wise; managing it with wisdom, on the other hand, allows us to channel it. It is not advisable to end a relationship as a couple just because you have fallen in love with someone else, but neither should you refuse to experience falling in love. It is about handling it with wisdom and understanding, without denying reality. Falling in love is a condition of genetics, not of reason. You do not decide to fall in love, just as you do not choose to be hungry; what you decide is what to eat. But falling in love also encompasses emotions and feelings.
4. Drawing up agreements. Once the couple decides to begin a relationship, they need to establish very clear agreements about how it will develop. They must specify the times and spaces they will share, their common aspirations and goals, finances and work, their individual feelings and desires, and so on. And they need self-assumed commitments to these agreements.
5. To achieve an integration of complementary opposites, we need to use creativity, which allows us to manage differences. Creativity leads us to integration, and from there we achieve adaptation, which in turn guides us toward union.
6. Men and women are not the same, but rather complementary, and the only way to harmonize our differences is through agreement, not imposition. By nature, we are perfectly complementary, but if agreement is not handled correctly, that complementarity—instead of becoming harmony—turns into conflict. The mental rigidity that arises when we believe something cannot be done blocks creativity and eliminates options for reconciling differences. On the contrary, when we step outside the mental patterns and beliefs handed to us by culture, there is no conflict that cannot be resolved.
7. Let's make the most of our differences to complement each other, so that our relationship is more harmonious. This is called harmonizing diversity.
8. An excellent relationship requires healthy communication, agreements, commitment, stability, and satisfaction.
9. The first agreement we propose to a couple is that of healthy and effective communication. All the others can wait, but if there is no agreement on communication, no other agreement can be built. This agreement consists of always keeping communication open; when the channel breaks down, the relationship ends.

2.4.2 The Importance of Healthy Communication

Establishing healthy communication helps a couple find solutions to most of the difficulties that usually arise in a relationship and supports the development of mutual trust. Sharing each partner’s values, as well as feelings and emotions of love, should become a daily habit for the couple. Disagreements, for their part, should be addressed in an atmosphere of complete cordiality and neutrality, with each partner explaining what would be needed to make the relationship more satisfying, and avoiding aggressive or demanding expressions such as: “It’s just that you…”; “It bothers me when…”; or “I don’t want you to…”. Such expressions can be replaced with others such as: “I’d like it if…”; “I think you could support me in…”; “What do you think about…?”

Healthy communication, therefore, requires several conditions:

• Agree on the right time. This is not when people are upset, nor during a trip, nor when they are engaged in activities that keep their minds occupied. You should always look for the right time.
• Your tone of voice should be gentle, precisely when you are going to talk about difficulties. This is because instinct responds to stimuli, and people who are upset unconsciously raise their voices—as if they were defending themselves—which causes rejection and the release of adrenaline. It is essential to make an effort to keep your tone of voice pleasant when talking about differences.
• Your phrases should be loving—that is, they should not carry any implied accusation, reprimand, or invalidation. Let’s not look for someone to blame, because no one intends to make a mistake. We look for solutions to mistakes, not culprits.
• Accompany your words with appropriate body language, because communication through the body accounts for 80% of what we say, and verbal communication only 20%. Part of the process of adding love to your life, improving relationships, and cleansing the ego consists of changing your language—the vocabulary you have learned.

For us, who are already adults, this involves re-educating our verbal expression, which will have a positive influence on readjusting our outward behavior.

2.4.3 Culprits Do Not Exist

When you argue with someone, it is always because of your own beliefs. Masters don’t argue with anyone; they only discuss concepts, never truths. A Master doesn’t make mistakes because they have already made them all and learned from them. We are immersed in the process of mastery, and for that we must make mistakes. It is simply a necessary process of the Universe—no one is to blame.

If someone is doing something inappropriate or unpleasant to others, and we say, “I would really appreciate it if…,” we are actually thanking them, and the outcome will be much better than if we say, “I can’t stand this.” We are telling the truth when we react like this: “Don’t worry, you did the best you could; everything has a solution—tell me what you learned from this.”

Let’s never look for someone to blame; first, because culprits don’t exist, and second, because it doesn’t work. When we have made mistakes, we need to look for solutions; let’s forget about the people involved, let’s find a solution, and let’s not personalize the matter or put a name to it.

2.5 Why Do Romantic Relationships End?

The main cause of breakups in romantic relationships is the failure to accept differences, which leads us to resort to aggression. The most common forms of aggression in a romantic relationship—setting aside physical aggression, which we consider completely out of the question—are as subtle as:

• Indifference
• Silent treatment
• Ill will
• Bad temper
• Dirty looks
• Unpleasant gestures
• Verbal digs, etc. These forms of aggression destroy feeling, which is 100% vulnerable, and when this happens, there is no longer any desire to share, because the negative feelings that arise after aggression lead to distancing, escape, or fighting. In situations like these, there are two fundamental lessons for both partners:

1. Do not react to aggression.
2. Do not use aggression, for which it is necessary to accept differences. If we achieve this, stability and improvement will be a given, but as long as we maintain any kind of aggressive behavior, internal or external, the relationship will keep deteriorating. It may not be apparent, but it builds up inside, and when it explodes it is far too complicated. Another important cause of failure in couple relationships is ignorance of how the feminine and masculine principles of human nature work. These principles are complementary opposites, so they operate differently. When these principles are not handled properly in a couple's relationship, the woman is left disillusioned, sad, and frustrated, and the man feels bewildered and rejected, which gives rise to the destructive forms of aggression already mentioned. When these differences are not understood, instead of complementing the other person, we try to change them, and that is where aggression comes from. In general terms, a man, having the masculine, emitting characteristic, seeks to be accepted and recognized, to be satisfied on all levels, to be cared for, supported, and pampered, and to maintain leadership. A woman also needs support and to feel accepted, and she seeks satisfaction on all levels, including sexual. But in addition, because of her entirely receptive traits, she seeks security —given the possibility of pregnancy and child-rearing—, to be valued, stability, thoughtful details, compliments, tenderness, caresses, and delicacy. Regardless of physical condition, some women behave in a more masculine way, and some men in a more feminine way. Therefore, the ideal is to check what each person expects to receive from the other and talk about it clearly, so as to be able to satisfy the other person through commitment. When satisfaction is mutual, harmony and balance are reached and the relationship becomes stable and solid. Even so, it is necessary to review the agreements periodically to check whether everything remains in balance or something is missing. Desire is an indicator of nature. If there is desire, it is because of an energy deficiency, so a lack of desire means the deficiency has been met.

• When a person is hungry, it means the glucose level in their blood has dropped.
• When a person is thirsty, it is because the moisture content of their cells has decreased, and the body responds with thirst to restore its hydration level.
• When a person is sleepy, it is because their mental energy—generically called vital energy—has decreased.
• When sexual desire exists, it is because there is an energy need associated with affection—what is commonly called a lack of affection. The mere touch of a caress stimulates such a large amount of energy that it triggers the release of certain substances that would not be released without that stimulus. Caresses can be considered a nutrient, and they stimulate the body’s self-healing process. Instinct responds to stimulus, the mind to information, and the spirit to verification. That is why sexuality is not just a matter of having children, nor is it solely a matter for couples; it is, in general, a human matter.

2.5.1 What False Beliefs Can Harm Romantic Relationships?

Several beliefs can take a toll on a relationship and lead to conflict, aggression, and, ultimately, a breakup. They are as follows:

1. Believing that the other person can make us happy. When we believe this, the logical consequence when we fall out of love is to blame the other person for not being able to make us happy, and this leads to conflict.
2. Believing that someone else is to blame for what happens to us. This belief leads us to seek punishment for the guilty party or to seek revenge. But it is important to remember that there is no such thing as a guilty party, only ignorance and mistakes.
3. Believing that the other person can guess what you need. This is called the “vice of assumption.” Clear and precise communication is always necessary to avoid assumptions.
4. Believing that sincerity is a value, when in reality it is a mental limitation that shows up whenever we express what we think and feel from a place of negativity, ignorance, and ego. We need to express our values, not the negative.
5. Believing that anything that isn’t spontaneous has no value. Spontaneity, as long as it’s pleasant, is beautiful, but the problem lies in thinking that what isn’t spontaneous isn’t beautiful either. Far more valuable than spontaneity is when a person makes a voluntary decision to do something that, through communication, they have come to understand is important to the other person. For example, spontaneous sexuality generally leads to infidelity, and infidelity most often leads to separation.
6. Believing that there are different roles for men and women. With the exception of breastfeeding and gestation, there is nothing a woman does that a man cannot also do, and vice versa.

2.6. Unstable Relationships and Stable Relationships

Unstable relationships arise when the behaviors between partners are aggressive, because they perpetuate the “animality” of the human being. Aggression is typical of the survival instinct; therefore, it is not a characteristic of the human being, but rather of the “rational” animal. A true human being is one who acts not out of the survival instinct, but out of a purely spiritual understanding of the need for coexistence and respect. To survive, we must fight, but to live together, we need to respect one another and reach agreements, and that is what makes us human beings.

A person can be considered human if they always express themselves through loving behavior, which is nothing other than behavior in which we use the seven tools of love. In this way, we will not only be human, but we will also have excellent, very stable relationships, so stable, in fact, that they could be called eternal: there will never be boredom in them, because we will truly enjoy great creativity from a place of love, and because there is a willingness on both sides to satisfy the other. This is a disposition of love, whereas the desire to be satisfied without taking the other person into account is selfishness. In short, if we are willing to satisfy the other person and to express what we need for our own satisfaction, and all of this is done together and through agreements, we will achieve a stable and excellent relationship.

2.7 Couples’ Games

What we’re trying to convey here is that practicing agreement should be fun. It’s best for both people to give in a little and be flexible, because if one of them is rigid, they’ll always believe they’re right and won’t evolve spiritually; on the other hand, the person who always gives in becomes overwhelmed, and the relationship eventually breaks down. The ideal is to find a solution that reconciles both points of view.

The games of success, not only in a relationship but also in business and in life in general, are:

1. The one who yields wins: mental flexibility, adaptability, acceptance, spiritual growth, inner peace… and less suffering. The one who doesn’t yield learns little, and if one of the two learns and the other doesn’t, the gap between them will only grow wider.
2. The one who serves grows. Service is the way to express love for others. Let everything we do always be of the highest quality, filled with our best energy and our ability to enjoy what we do, and in this way our service will be excellent. That is why it is such an extraordinary game.
3. The one who pleases succeeds. After all, if we’re always pleasant, we’ll always be the best choice.

2.8 Tools for Couples

The main tools a couple has to make their relationship work are:

1. Mutual attraction. This tool is instinctive and gives rise to falling in love. It allows us to verify that the couple is genetically compatible. This, in turn, leads to two outcomes: in terms of energy exchange, in sexuality and physical affection, the energy flow will be much more intense; in procreation, mutual attraction ensures that the couple is genetically compatible, so their children will be harmonious. Many genetic abnormalities result from parental incompatibility.
2. Admiration. This is a mental and spiritual tool. When one person admires something in another, it is because they recognize that person’s values and virtues. Admiration ensures the stability of the relationship, since as long as there are shared values, the admiration will be mutual. Attraction may wane, since cycles of desire and energy vary, but admiration as a value, as part of love, is constant and can sustain a relationship even during difficult times, something that attraction cannot do.
3. Appreciation. Giving value to the relationship and to each person within it is another tool that provides a great deal of stability, even in times of crisis and difficulty. Constantly expressing values is one of the main ways to help strengthen a couple’s relationship and all other relationships. Other people can’t guess that you value them; you need to express how important they are to you and how much you love spending time with them.
4. Acceptance. It allows us not to confront differences, but to accept them, adapt to them, or reconcile them.
5. Respect. It allows us to maintain harmony. Through respect, we refrain from criticizing, judging, invalidating, or condemning another person because their behavior differs from our own. We should not do to anyone what we would not want done to ourselves, because that will be returned to us through the Law of Cause and Effect.
6. Commitment. It means that no one is obligated to do anything. Commitment involves doing something for the value of doing it, whether for oneself, for the relationship, or for love. If a person feels obligated to do something, it means they aren’t truly committed, and that can fall apart at any moment because it creates inner tension.
7. Freedom. Freedom must be total and managed through agreements. If we place limits on people, if we “cage” or “chain” them, how will we know that their love is truly deep? What this attitude reveals is a fear of losing the other person. Let’s not set limits: what is meant for us will stay with us; what is not meant for us will not. But how can we possibly know whether something is meant for us if we’re constantly forbidding, imposing, and controlling? In that case, we become a hindrance rather than a support; that’s the best way to drive people out of our lives.
8. Loyalty. We can speak of loyalty only after an agreement has been established and a commitment has been made, but not if the agreements are unclear. In general, we believe that infidelity is a breach of loyalty, even when in reality we have never agreed on anything regarding sexuality, but have merely assumed it.
9. Adaptation. It is one of nature's tools: no living being can survive in a given place unless it adapts to it. Similarly, a relationship cannot survive unless one person adapts to the other, and vice versa.
10. Trust. It is the tool that facilitates communication.
11. Communication. If there is no trust, there is no communication, and in that case we cannot find out what is happening and end up completely disoriented.
12. Support. This tool is used when difficulties arise or mistakes are made. It’s about always valuing people more than material things. For example, support is needed if someone crashed the car we had lent them. In a case like that, you would say to them: “What matters to me is that you’re okay; don’t worry, cars can be repaired.”
13. Gratitude for everything we have, and also for the difficult and painful situations, because they are opportunities that life gives us to learn and to improve our spiritual growth.
14. Flexibility. Agreement can only be managed through flexibility.
15. Joy. It’s what triggers the release of the hormones associated with connection and happiness—endorphins and amines—which make us want to share and belong. Being filled with bitterness and sadness isn’t a good option; we need to bring joy into our lives and not wait for external factors to inspire us, but rather inspire ourselves.
16. Conciliation. It allows us to achieve harmony. To achieve it, we use the other tools: agreements, flexibility, adaptation…
17. Agreements. They are the fundamental tool for reaching harmony in conciliation.
18. Meditation. Practicing meditation for a few minutes every day helps us restore our vital energy by entering a state of “mental rest,” as we strive to keep our minds still and silent. This increase in our vital energy will allow us to interact with others from a place of peace and mental clarity.
19. Changing the polarity of feelings. When our feelings are negative, it’s best not to try to reach agreements; if there’s no joy, there’s no possibility of doing anything useful either. First, we need to bring about a change in polarity, which can be achieved by making a list of the values we recognize in our partner. By reviewing these values—as well as the happy moments—feelings will shift toward the positive. At that point, the person will be ready to talk and reach agreements.
20. Shared Goals. It’s important to make sure your partner is on the same path as you. There are no right or wrong paths, only different ones; but if two people plan to be a couple, they need to make sure they’ll be traveling the same path—and being in love isn’t enough to guarantee that.
21. Games for couples. For example, the one who gives in wins; the one who serves grows; the one who pleases succeeds. These are all the tools needed to achieve success.

With these, you have to practice and practice until you achieve it.

2.9 The Quality of a Romantic Relationship

Generally speaking, when a couple enjoys harmony and satisfaction in their relationship—even though their instincts will inevitably recognize compatibility with other people—they are unlikely to consider choosing another option. But when there is disharmony, conflict, and dissatisfaction, it is very easy for people to choose another option. Breakups, then, are caused by a lack of harmony.

When a relationship ends, a feeling of loss arises in the mind for someone the person believed was their property. It is the realization that nothing and no one belongs to us—that what is happening is simply a change in the relationship, not a loss—that eliminates suffering and prevents the drop in vital energy. In this way, detachment is achieved.

The inexhaustible source of energy is love.

To assess the quality of our romantic relationship, we can individually review the following virtues and write, as a percentage (from 1 to 100%), next to each one, to what extent they are present in the relationship:

• Trust
• Communication
• Respect
• Support
• Joy If the result of this assessment shows that there is a good level of support and considerable respect—even if the other values aren’t as high—the relationship can continue. In fact, as any of these values increases, the others tend to rise as well. For a romantic relationship to be satisfying, all values must be above 50%; if they are above 70%, the relationship will be excellent; if they reach 90%, it can be considered a relationship of love; and if they are at 100%, it would be mastery. We will, therefore, conduct our own assessment and begin working on the inner values that have the lowest percentages. The best “laboratory”

that exists for the development of virtues is precisely life as a couple and as a family.

Chapter 3. Relationships of Love

3.1 The Keys to Love

The different types of relationships that human beings form throughout their lives not only determine social structure but also allow us to measure, with considerable precision, the characteristics of the limitations learned by the human personality. In this sense, relationships are an important tool for evolution, since, in addition to being the building blocks of civilization, they help individuals transcend their conceptual and traumatic limitations; this is so because, in our constant effort to find fulfillment in relationships, we ultimately discover the principles of love beyond learned concepts and limitations, and come to recognize love as the one true inner guide to achieving personal happiness and building a new civilization free from personal conflicts and wars.

The development of consciousness is not possible if we isolate ourselves and fail to build relationships, because on our own we cannot get to know ourselves or work on our limitations. Relationships offer an extraordinary opportunity to learn to love, to be happy, and to respect other people’s experiences.

The keys to love in relationships lie beyond concepts, beliefs, and interpretations, beyond culture, traditions, and learned limitations, and can be recognized as follows:

• Love always leads to inner peace and happiness in our relationships and in everything we do. If this is not the result, the explanation is simple: we are not acting from our center of understanding, nor are we giving the best of ourselves.
• Love is Law, and it is always verified by results that bring satisfaction.
• Happiness in relationships comes from loving and supporting the happiness of those with whom we interact. Love is given, and life returns it in abundance and fulfillment, because that is its natural outcome.

What we choose to sow in life is voluntary, but the

harvest is mandatory, because we will reap what we sow. If we sow joy, enthusiasm, cooperation, service, support, optimism, understanding, appreciation, or respect, we will reap abundant harvests of love, happiness, well-being, and satisfaction in all our relationships. Selfishness is the result obtained by the opportunist, who, having sown nothing, expects to reap the harvest, and calls that justice. But the reality is that whoever sows nothing will reap nothing, and whoever sows the wind will reap the whirlwind.

Let’s take a look at the results we achieve in the four fundamental aspects of life: health, relationships, resources, and adaptation to our environment. If we aspire to a different outcome, it is because we need a different seed; and if we begin to plant it right now, before we finish harvesting the previous crop, a new one will begin to thrive that may well cancel out the previous one. This is the Law of Cause and Effect: everything we put out into the world through an action returns with the same quality.

• Love is a deep understanding that is expressed through an attitude of service, gratitude, appreciation, acceptance, and respect toward people, things, and life. Constantly appreciating and being grateful for what life gives us ultimately fosters within us the ability to enjoy all things and situations, and to build excellent relationships. It is important not to express what we feel or what we believe, unless what we feel is love and what we believe is appreciation.
• Love means feeling deep within ourselves that we can always express ourselves with gentleness, delicacy, tact, prudence, simplicity, absolute trust, total devotion, complete freedom, and unconditional support.
• Acting with love means always doing what is necessary to make others happy to be with you.

As we've seen, relationships of love go hand in hand with happiness, so let's now take a look at happiness in relationships.

3.2 Happiness in Relationships

The secret to happiness in relationships lies in understanding and practicing the following fundamental aspects of life:

1. Do not become attached to anything or anyone. All attachment is rooted in the fear of loss and in inner insecurity. For this reason, it becomes a limiting factor for personal peace and freedom, as well as for the freedom of others, and it ends up creating a psychological dependence that drains our vital energy. When we give freedom and have freedom, when we do not depend on anyone, nor does anyone depend on us, for the maintenance of our inner peace, something absolutely wonderful happens: we begin to share only the harmony, peace, and love that exist within each of us, and not the limiting fears that damage relationships. This is because we understand that both material things and people are temporary and cannot be held onto, but love is eternal, and we can always share it and be happy enjoying the present. When we share with absolute freedom, we can always be happy in our relationships.
2. Do not wish for anything other than what life provides. We must understand and accept that life always gives us what we need, in accordance with the role each of us fulfills. The only thing that depends on each of us is to give our best in the role that is ours to carry out, and to stay alert and willing to accept other roles when life shows and requires them. Through this attitude, we learn to be happy by recognizing that life always gives us the best. And once we have learned to be happy, we are able to support the happiness of everyone we interact with. I have everything I need to be happy, because I am happy with what I have. What we receive does not depend on life or on others; it depends only on what we do. Therefore, let’s not ask anything of life; let’s simply decide what we are going to do in it. When we want or ask for things other than those that correspond to us, we create a disruption in the flow of abundance and a conflict in our minds that drains our vital energy, because what we ask for does not match what we do.
3. Interpret things only in ways that bring peace to life. In the face of any event or circumstance that life presents to us, we must always think the best, because the only truth that exists is love, and every event is an opportunity to recognize it, simply by verifying that thinking and interpreting from love leads us to find peace within us. This is the natural result of love, and if we handle all our relationships from inner peace, we will always find happiness in them. Therefore, the secret to happiness in relationships is to do the best we can each day and to accept with love whatever result life offers. There is nothing external that we can change, but always doing our best will also bring the best result, which will show up in all our relationships. Let’s be happy; that is exactly what life will always give back to us. Life is a wonderful opportunity to learn to love and to share. Let’s decide, then, to be happy.

3.3 Types of Social Relationships

3.3.1 Destiny Relationships

First, we can talk about incompatible people or personalities. These are also called destiny relationships, and they are characterized by differences in concepts and behavior that keep them in permanent disagreement. This shows up as aggression, poor communication, dissatisfaction, and suffering. All of this persists until the people recognize and overcome their limitations; when this happens, learning finally takes place.

Destiny relationships are characterized by selfishness, and we recognize them because we cannot escape them until we learn what they teach us. Sometimes the experience is postponed. For example, this is the case with someone who has an unbearable boss but has enough resources to live for a while and can quit the job. In that case, the postponement happens because life says: “Right now you don’t have enough strength, energy, or capacity to face the situation, so we will allow you a postponement.” But that does not mean we have already managed to transcend that situation; on the contrary, it will repeat itself later, when we have enough strength to face it.

Destiny relationships generally begin because there is a strong point of attraction (fatal attraction), which may be physical, financial, social, or based on any other kind of personal convenience. Even so, certain characteristics of destiny (difficulties) can be observed from the very beginning, such as fear, doubt, mistrust, uncertainty, a lack of common goals, and disagreements. Nevertheless, the conditions are in place to start the relationship, and so it begins.

In this type of relationship, the people involved usually apply the method of resistance, which in turn causes the Law of Destiny to be fulfilled: the greater the resistance, the greater the force. This method takes on various well-known forms that always bring suffering and dissatisfaction to relationships, such as criticism, rejection, aggression, indifference, irritation, defiance, heated arguments, contradiction, scowling, silence, lack of appreciation, a bad temper, scolding, threats, and physical, verbal, and psychological violence. Ultimately, it results in a relationship of mere endurance, with constant attempts to escape that never succeed.

When we no longer need destiny relationships, we are ready to enjoy love relationships.

3.3.2 Love Relationships

We call relationships between compatible people or personalities love relationships or conscious relationships. They are characterized by the recognition of the essential values of life and of the relationship, as well as of each partner by the other. These relationships show themselves through the acceptance of differences in concepts as opportunities for mutual learning, through excellent communication between partners, through freely assumed agreements, unconditional support, and constant satisfaction within the relationship.

Love relationships are defined by the understanding that every situation is a wonderful learning opportunity, by a permanent willingness to serve, and by the creation of options for handling differences, as a way of supporting the development of adaptability, flexibility, and the consciousness of true sharing.

These relationships generally originate in mutual admiration (recognition of values). The first signs of this admiration appear when common interests emerge, along with a desire to learn more about the other person, a wish to share, a sense of trust, a feeling of loyalty, a sense of peace, the certainty of finding support, and, in general, an atmosphere of connection with the other person.

In this type of relationship, people apply the method of acceptance, in which the Law of Love is always fulfilled, that is, the integration of opposites into a single purpose of love and peace. This method eliminates any possibility of suffering in relationships, but it can only be achieved by using the tools of consciousness: appreciation, acceptance, commitment, calm, understanding, gratitude, joy, service, respect, communication, recognition, enthusiasm, kindness, reflection, information, congratulation, availability, the ability to take responsibility, action, dialogue, support, tenderness, and gentleness. Conscious relationships lead to a process of constant growth in love and bring great satisfaction to the people involved, which in turn creates great stability and permanence in the relationships.

We need to train constantly in applying conscious behavior until these principles become habitual. Then we will be able to experience a true renewal of life and enjoy the wonderful complement that relationships offer.

When you fully enjoy your relationships, you know that you have developed a true understanding of love.

How can we transform a destiny relationship into a love relationship? By handling destiny with the seven tools of love. If they are used properly, it is possible to transcend destiny, and relationships of this kind will not happen again.

Life is like a university where we are constantly learning to love and to be happy by ourselves. And the way we learn is through mistakes, crises, and difficulties. That is why these have intrinsic value, and the learning we gain from them strengthens us and allows us to develop skills and virtues. Still, the ultimate idea is not to stay in training our whole lives, but to “graduate.”

When we manage to value people, relationships, and service, we find love and happiness; if our relationships improve every day, it is because we are adding love.

The stability of a relationship cannot rest on feelings, because feelings are changeable.

When feelings are voluntarily activated from the center of love, true happiness arises as if by magic, and loving relationships can be built upon it. In such relationships, total integration is achieved, along with a genuine sharing filled with joy, satisfaction, and delight. And this is so because the light of love does not allow the darkness of ignorance to manifest in our feelings.

3.3.3 Relationships Between Kindred Personalities

Kindred personalities share similar tastes, feelings, and ideas. They are commonly known as “soulmates.” Affinity is wonderful, but it rarely occurs. When there is mental affinity, agreement is unnecessary; by not doing this exercise of reaching agreements, we fail to acquire a profound tool for the development of the human being: the ability to reconcile differences, that is, the ability to yield, adapt, not blame, and not judge. Affinity, then, does not produce spiritual development, but rather a feeling of pleasure and an extraordinary energy and integration.

The greater our spiritual development, the more kindred we become, but while that happens, we need to evaluate our differences and learn to reconcile our disagreements. If we succeed, our development will be immense and the couple will achieve stability; if not, a breakup will be imminent.

3.4 The Principles of Love in Relationships

The most important principles of love in relationships are teaching, freedom, individuality, and universality. Let's now look at the results that come from applying these principles.

1. Teaching provides people with the information they need to properly experience their own lives; it also supports inner growth and fosters the development of self-responsibility as the foundation of freedom. The result of teaching is the inner security to embrace life experience, which leads to valuing and accepting one’s own existence as a great opportunity for learning. The Masters offer a specific approach to managing any relationship: information that is sufficient—covering what is necessary—, efficient—understandable—, and timely—at the precise moment, neither before nor after. Which is preferable: punishing mistakes or improving relationships? Usually, when we make a mistake we resort to punishment instead of teaching, because the idea of guilt dwells within us; that is why relationships do not work. When a person values their relationships, they always give up punishment, imposition, and prohibition.
2. Freedom enables others to reach their own understanding and accept the results of their decisions. The natural consequence of freedom is trust, self-confidence, prudence, and inner strength, all of which lead to the development of the ability to choose what is appropriate in every circumstance of life and facilitate the individual’s search for inner and social balance; in turn, this strengthens loving relationships, whose union originates in the voluntary decision to share and not in obedience to a rule.
3. Individuality, as the process of understanding that each person must undertake regarding their own life experience, serves the development and expression of creativity, the renewal of structures in the sense of change, and the discovery of social patterns that bring greater satisfaction. Experiences are necessary in order to arrive at understanding. The result of individuality is the ability to share without attachment and to find self-worth and mental flexibility; this leads to a constant process of personal, social, and technological change and growth. We speak of individuality for a very simple reason: the process of spiritual development is individual; no one can evolve or learn for another, just as no one can eat for another. And the decisions we make in life are also individual, personal, and fully respected by the Masters. Of course, each person must then accept the results of their decisions.
4. Universality, as a profound understanding of the meaning of love, serves to develop the capacity to love all people equally, recognizing that the only difference lies in the kind of agreements we establish with each one. The result of the principle of universality is the capacity for acceptance, support, and respect for the agreements and decisions of others; and, in turn, it leads to new forms of social organization that are more satisfying for everyone.

The quality of love in relationships can be recognized through the Law of the Triangle:

Figure 2. The Law of the Triangle The horizontal relationships occur when beliefs and concepts clash, and each person believes they are right. In this type of relationship, feelings and emotional reactions inevitably get mixed in, which generates aggression and suffering; this forms the basis of the triangle of recognition of love.

When we realize that the relationship is not satisfactory, we turn to the upper vertex of the triangle, where, beyond each person’s concepts, beliefs, or reasons, we act from the expression of love to seek a point of reconciliation in the verification of the Law. It is at this moment that we understand that acting from love means being happy with the other person’s happiness, and a new perspective on relationships opens up in which beliefs, concepts, reasons, or methods lose their importance; the intention focuses on the common purpose and on the outcome of love obtained through a conscious action carried out in the way that is most pleasant for the other person.

Understanding unites us; belief (ignorance) separates us.

From the belief system, from the personality and the ego, we will never build loving relationships, but only relationships of destiny, of conflict, of the difficulty necessary for learning. From the higher mental field, however, from understanding—the truths of love that each person has been able to develop from their own experience—it is indeed possible to build loving relationships.

3.5 The Law Point

In horizontal relationships, we place great importance on being right. If someone says “I’m right,” they feel entitled to impose themselves and to think that others are mistaken. In reality, being right is of very little importance, because others are right too.

Suppose we have a sphere that is half black and half white. If we ask one person, “A,” they will say it is white, and if we ask another person, “B,” they will say it is black, depending on where each is standing, and both will be right. They are simply looking at the situation from different points of view.

Now let’s try to practice how to reach a reconciliation so that we don’t impose our own being right on the other person. To bring these two people into agreement, we could ask them to switch places; this is what is called “putting yourself in the other person’s shoes”: you look at the situation from where the other person is standing, and in that instant you realize that the sphere is, for example, white, and you understand the other person’s reasoning.

And at this point, what decision can be made? You can choose, for example, a middle ground: neither A nor B, but a point we can call A+B, which contains both perspectives at the same time. In other words, if you add a positive value and a negative value of equal magnitude, the result is zero; this means that zero neutrally contains both. Similarly, the point of love is reached when, for someone, the perspective of “A” is just as valuable as that of “B.” The point A+B, or AB, is the point of integration or reconciliation through love. Without needing to change positions, it is possible to see both situations at the same time, because you observe them from a higher vantage point: that of the understanding of love.

Trying to impose that you are right leads only to losing; you deny yourself the chance to learn something new, to grow, to learn to love, to anything at all, really, because you become a “human post.” People like this suffer greatly, and the worst part is that they always believe they’re right and that everyone else is wrong. They tend to say things like, “I’m easy to please if everything is done my way; do as I say, and you’ll see how happy we’ll all be.” This is what’s called “psychological rigidity” or “mental crystallization.” To avoid falling into this trap, we have the option of moving. The one who loves always wins, the one who is able to give way; the one who is rigid is doomed to lose.

It is not possible to reconcile horizontally, because in such a situation one belief is being pitted against another. Love, on the other hand, is a reconciliation that neutralizes every difference. The higher point —which is no longer made of horizontal lines, of conceptual polarities— is called vertical or ascending relationships; it is also known as the point of Law, because regarding the Law there is no possible discussion, nor agreement, nor possibility of making any decision other than obeying it. Therefore, anyone who recognizes the Law will reach a reconciliation; from the standpoint of concepts, however, there will always be differences.

Point of Law also refers to the process of verifying something as it is happening, not judging it, but simply evaluating it with understanding. For example, if someone says they have an ink marker in their hand to write on the whiteboard, and that what they write can be erased, this carries no energetic charge; they did not judge it in any way. But if they say it’s the best tool there is for illustrating a lesson, they’re already judging it, and we can start a discussion.

That non-conceptual point of Law, about which there is no dispute and with which we will all always be satisfied in any situation, is the common purpose; it is what unites us all, whereas individual concepts or beliefs separate us. Therefore, if our intention in relating to others is to join with them in order to share harmoniously, there is only one way to do so: to find the purpose that unites us, rather than the concept that divides us. This holds equally true for all kinds of relationships.

If we find the purpose that unites us, we will have excellent relationships with everyone; but if we cling to the concept that separates us, we will hardly be able to relate harmoniously with anyone. In our daily lives, we will try to seek that common ground of love called the point of Law, where there is no argument and where agreement isn’t even necessary. When the common purpose is love, it doesn’t matter where, how, or when; we’ll be happy because we’ll be sharing. But if we attach conditions to sharing, we’ll return to the conceptual point, and mental duality and conflict will come back.

Therefore, if our aspiration is to have excellent relationships, we must begin to value love, what unites us; if we continue to value what separates us, we will never come together in a satisfying way.

Here is a thought of love: “I care about other people’s happiness, and I’m able to feel very happy when I see others happy. I want you to be happy, with me or without me.”

In contrast, a thought that comes from the ego (selfishness) would be this: “I really want others to make me happy.”

3.6 The Neutral Management of Relationships

It consists of seven basic steps:

1. An attitude of love and service. An attitude of love is neutral; it carries neither positive nor negative charges, but is the exact balance point. Service, for its part, consists of giving other people the information they need so that, through their own effort, they can solve their problems.

2. Recognition that every concept is true for whoever

says it. This aspect has to do with respect; it doesn’t matter if it seems like the most outrageous thing to you; it will be true for the person saying it. No one says things that are wrong from their own perspective; to them, they are true; therefore, they must be respected. This also means not getting into unnecessary arguments or contradictions on the grounds that the other person is right; you can try to reconcile or reach agreements, but you should not argue.

1. Preparing a state of inner peace in advance. When we’re about to speak with someone and we know there’s a difficulty or a disagreement, and we’re seeking reconciliation, agreement, or compromise in that situation, we need to fill ourselves with peace before speaking to anyone. The best way to do this is to visualize ourselves at peace in the face of the situation and tell ourselves several times: “I will not lose my peace or my calm for any reason, no matter what the other person says or does.” If we don’t do this beforehand, the situation will catch us off guard, and when we least expect it, we’ll be yelling at the other person. The fact is, if someone is being aggressive but you speak to them very calmly, they’ll calm down; but if you also yell in response to their aggression, the aggression will double.
2. Always respond from the point of Law (not from the concept). It’s about always responding from the neutral point, the one that lies beyond your own likes, beliefs, concepts, and customs; it is the point that can neutralize, support, or be happy with the other person’s happiness. It is always possible to support another person’s happiness, as long as the differences are not too great and you are not being blackmailed, because yielding in that case is not being at the point of love, but rather the product of an inner weakness called fear.
3. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. That way, you can better understand the situation.
4. Using a pleasant tone of voice. When a tone of voice is aggressive, it connects directly with instinct. On the other hand, if it’s a peaceful, loving tone, it connects with the heart. It’s simply a technique. You have to be careful with your tone of voice, because it can trigger the strongest resistance.
5. Highlight the other person’s qualities and the mutual benefit. In other words, do not express limitations, feelings, or negative emotions to other people: zero criticism, zero aggression, and zero candor—which can be very aggressive. We will express only what is valuable, but never from a state of inner turmoil; first, it is necessary to let off steam and fill ourselves with peace. When a person is full of negative emotions, they can practice an exercise called “the Wailing Wall”; it consists of going to an inert place—in nature, in a room alone…—and there crying, stomping, screaming, and cursing; in this way, the person releases all those negative emotions without causing any harm to their relationships. Once they are calm, at peace, and have let off steam, they are ready to propose an agreement. We will be able to live peacefully with all beings to the extent that we understand the principle of love. But as long as we keep believing that there are good or bad things, ugly or beautiful things, we will remain in a constant attempt to change what we believe is wrong. The truth, though, is that the only thing that can be wrong is what happens in our minds. When we blame others for what happens, and we don’t know how to avoid conflict or live in harmony, we realize that something needs to change, and that something is within us, not outside. This is the first principle of love, necessary for beginning to improve our relationships. There are no good or bad things; there are only things necessary for our learning. Ugly or beautiful is in a person’s mind; objects, forms, or events are not ugly or beautiful—they are simply different. I need to clear my mind of these concepts that limit me and keep me from loving. People are at different levels of development of understanding—or spiritual development—and at different points on the evolutionary path, but that does not make them better or worse. As long as we believe that, it will be impossible for us to love. An expression of wisdom, on the other hand, says that everyone does the best they know how, even if they make mistakes; there is no grading here, only the recognition of value. Relationships are a complement to life, not an obligation, an imposition, or a process that limits freedom.

3.7 The Sequence for Creating True Loving Relationships

It would be as follows:

1. Observing compatible and complementary values.
2. Determining the space the relationship could occupy.
3. Deciding whether to propose or accept the relationship.
4. Verifying values through the process of sharing.
5. Creating agreements.
6. Assuming the commitment.
7. Putting the agreements into practice.
8. Establishing the principles of love as the foundation of the relationship.
9. Training in harmonious communication.
10. Developing the following commitments of love: trust, acceptance, freedom, respect, service, support, and tenderness. Qualities, values, and virtues are spiritual aspects of human beings—inner aspects that we need to learn to express, communicate, and use. The following table presents the values and qualities shown by a person who is trained in relationships and in love:

When you have difficulties with one person, you might think the problem lies with that other person. When you have difficulties with two or three people, you may begin to think that you yourself are part of the problem. Finally, if you have difficulties with quite a few people, you can be certain that the difficulty lies solely with you.

3.8 Why do relationships generally end?

When a relationship of any kind ends, the people involved are usually so confused that they can’t quite understand what happened, and they end up blaming the other person or themselves. In reality, as we saw in section 2.5 when discussing why romantic relationships end, it is not a matter of assigning blame, but of ignorance—usually on both sides—about how to establish and maintain mutually satisfying relationships.

The fundamental cause of the deterioration of relationships is the lack of acceptance of differences, which leads to the following mistakes:

• Constant criticism.
• Certain tones of voice or sarcasm.
• Lack of collaboration.
• Invalidating the other person.
• Failure to keep agreements.
• Rejection.
• Impositions or prohibitions. All of these are different forms of aggression that instinct unconsciously recognizes as an attack, so it reacts with aggression or flight, and the personality defends itself by generating rejection and a breakdown of feelings; this, in turn, damages and very quickly ends any relationship. Aggression produces adrenaline—the hormone of stress and aging—and interrupts all processes of connection. The conclusion is that it is not possible to build harmonious relationships through aggression. The idea is that, as we discover our own mistakes, we learn to avoid them by using the educational tool of questions:
• How did I end up making a mistake?
• What did I learn from the mistake I made?
• What can I do to make sure I don't make the same mistake again?

Chapter 4. Learning to Establish Agreements

We all seek to complement our lives in different ways and through different kinds of relationships: friendships, relationships for sharing, for feeling included, partnerships, bonds of brotherhood, romantic relationships… And all of them will be healthy if we establish them on the basis of clear agreements.

In order to build agreements of love with compatible people, we need to look for what we have in common—that is, the desire to share, reconcile, appreciate, adapt, accept one another, and be flexible. We can also look for a common ground that is neither our own nor the other person’s, and to reach it, each of us has to give up a little.

The magic of relating harmoniously with someone whose tastes differ from your own comes from valuing the relationship above personal tastes, feelings, ideas, concepts, and beliefs—and also peace and harmony. For the ego, tastes, concepts, and feelings—that is, the individual—are more valuable than what is common and collective; that is why people driven by ego do not enjoy good relationships. This is called selfishness.

As we have already said, the best tool for reconciling conceptual differences is agreement. An agreement in which one person feels they win and the other that they lose is useful, but the ideal is for both to win, and that can only be achieved in one way: by reconciling through love—the neutral point, or point of Law. In that case, both win, the satisfaction is double, and relationships improve considerably.

If we don't learn to give way and make our minds flexible, we will not put an end to the ego or be able to build relationships of love—only relationships of destiny, confrontation, aggression, and conflict.

To learn to establish agreements, it is essential to learn to yield.

The tool that goes beyond agreement is the reconciliation of love. Without needing to change position to see the situation from where the other person sees it, it is possible to contemplate both situations at the same time, because they are observed from a higher point, called the understanding of love. When we look at any matter from this understanding, good and bad cease to exist. For a Master, there are no good or bad people, only human beings in a process of evolution, with different levels of ignorance.

Whoever gives themselves the opportunity to grow always comes out ahead. We become Masters by undertaking inner changes and making the most of what we find difficult, because that is precisely where evolution lies.

4.1 The Commitments of Love

It's not possible to establish relationships without making commitments. To commit to someone, we first have to reach an agreement.

The capacity to make commitments is proportional to the level of loyalty and to the ability to build true relationships of love; and to achieve them, it is necessary to develop the fundamental commitments, as well as loyalty and firmness. The commitments of love are present in the following tools or principles: acceptance, trust, freedom, tenderness, service, respect, and support.

Acceptance means giving up the idea of changing other people to fit what you prefer. Accepting others just as they are is the great secret to excellent relationships. Acceptance is developed by understanding the Laws of Life and by training yourself to stay serene.

Trust means knowing that you can express or hear about any event or thought with the assurance that you will always find understanding, dialogue, support, and ways to resolve the issue, no matter how difficult the situation may seem. In a couple, trust exists when each person opens their heart completely to the other. Trust is developed by taking responsibility for your life without blaming anyone for what you feel, and by letting go of every form of criticism or aggression.

The enemies of trust are, essentially, a bad temper, touchiness (taking offense is forbidden in genuine loving relationships), aggressiveness, sentimentality, possessiveness (the “control tower”), and overprotectiveness. None of them allows for communication or agreement.

Freedom means allowing each person to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their commitments and outcomes, so that they can assess for themselves the value of their relationships and the commitments they have made. Freedom is developed by letting go of the fear of losing, and of trying to impose, limit, or prohibit the experiences that each person must go through. Ultimately, it is about always acting from non-reaction, establishing appropriate agreements, and applying the method of mutual satisfaction, or loving conciliation.

Tenderness means being grateful to people for the chance to share life, joy, harmony, and their qualities and values, because it involves always being willing to indulge, pamper, caress, and play as part of relationships and love. Tenderness is developed by constantly expressing loving gestures and by handling relationships with delicacy.

Service means kindly providing clear, accurate, and timely information to support the activities of others, and also always being willing to learn, collaborate, and serve with enthusiasm and joy in any activity. Service is developed through training in loving communication and constant action, without holding back from any kind of activity.

Respect means making use of differences as a form of mutual support for inner growth and the development of adaptability. Learning to respect another person’s customs and ideas, without judging or criticizing them, makes it possible to establish healthy communication through which you can reach agreements that lead to mutual satisfaction. Respect is developed by giving up the imposition of your own behaviors and customs and by avoiding invading other people’s space.

Support means valuing relationships above any material aspect and above any personal idea or preference. Support is developed by always seeking solutions rather than someone to blame when faced with your own mistakes or other people’s, or with the loss of any material possession; it also means valuing what you learn without letting anyone feel bad, since every event brings with it a lesson that strengthens relationships.

It is essential to base agreements on commitments of love, because sometimes certain agreements are nothing more than impositions disguised as agreements, and these do not work. Agreements must be free, reached between people in a way that all parties have accepted. Sometimes we say we make agreements with children by telling them, for example: “You have to clean your room, go study, and do these other chores. Do you agree?” This is not an agreement but an imposition. An agreement would be to sit down with the child, or whoever it may be, and ask: “What do you think? What would you like? What makes you feel best?” But giving orders and then asking the other person whether they agree is something we do easily, and it is not an appropriate way to reach agreements.

On the other hand, reaching agreements is one thing, and honoring them is quite another.

Commitment is the ability to honor agreements.

For example, if we agree with another person to meet tomorrow at 8 and that person doesn’t show up, it means they made an agreement but have no commitment to it. We therefore need to measure our capacity for commitment, which has to do with how we value things. Thus, if we value the individual above what is shared, as we noted earlier, the couple will fail. The individual has value, but when you decide to share your life with another person or other people, without diminishing the value of what is your own and personal, you have to assess whether companionship and union (that is, what is shared) are worth more to you. If they are not, it is better not to marry or share your life with that other person. Those who feel obligated have no commitment.

Once we have reached an agreement, it is essential to keep it and respect it. However, when it becomes clear that an agreement is difficult to keep, it is necessary to rethink it and modify it to fit reality, rather than considering not keeping it.

4.2 The Stability of Relationships: Areas of Agreement

Every individual hopes to find in their relationships the complements needed to fill their life and personal experiences. However, when relationships are not firmly grounded in clear agreements and solid commitments, many empty or incomplete spaces can remain, leading a person to look for other temporary relationships to complement them. This makes it harder to achieve full fulfillment and stability in their relationships.

Empty spaces can be handled either with quality or with time. If we see each other rarely but the time we share is of high quality, the relationship will be excellent; but if its quality is poor and the time is scarce, the empty space will tend to be filled by other people, because there is no other option.

What has not been agreed upon tends to be filled with disagreements.

The ideal in relationships is to reach a satisfactory level of complementarity in the main areas of life, in a way that facilitates and supports the development of the commitment, sharing, loyalty, and stability needed to move toward truly loving relationships.

It is possible to assess the stability of a relationship across several areas:

• Food. Let’s not forget that this is a matter of reaching an agreement, not of imposing; agreements are made about who cooks, what kind of food to eat, and so on. We don’t usually talk about these things, and it is very important to take them into account.
• Comfort. Some people like to enjoy a certain level of comfort in areas that are neither important nor necessary for others, and that others may even find burdensome to maintain. If there is no agreement on this point, conflict will arise.
• Habits. These are very simple things, but extremely delicate. For example, one person likes to sleep with the window open and the other with it closed; one prefers the light on and the other off; one is in the habit of going to bed at midnight and the other at 8 p.m.; likewise, one gets up at 3 a.m. and the other sleeps in until 11. If there are no agreements on these kinds of things, the complications are enormous. Compatibility comes down to something simple: being able to reach an agreement.
• Culture. This refers to the intellectual side. Some people are very interested in broadening their knowledge, while others are not, or they are interested in some topics but not others. Similarly, one partner may have a certain inclination toward spirituality while the other does not and is only interested in practical matters. Or one spends all day in the library while the other never reads.
• Money. People generally don’t talk about it; instead, they assume a number of things that lead to conflicts and disappointments. In this area, there are different kinds of possible agreements: a joint budget (that is, creating a common fund for all expenses) versus separate finances, which generate fewer conflicts. In the latter case, you can agree that each person puts in 50% for shared expenses, while for everything else each person manages their own income and expenses.
• Education (if you have children). Of course, as in any of the other areas, it is essential to reach an agreement.
• Families. “Are we going to visit your family or mine? Which of our families will we spend New Year’s with? Or neither? What are we going to do about our mothers on Mother’s Day?” That’s how conflicts start: “You just don’t accept my family; you just don’t accept mine.” If you talk about this beforehand, reach an agreement, and make a commitment, there won’t be a problem.
• Philosophy and religion. There is no incompatibility when agreements can be reached. Suppose one partner is Muslim and the other is Christian; if neither is a fanatic, there will be no problem: in the morning, one goes to the mosque and the other to church, and in the afternoon they come together again. But if they don’t agree, it’s easy for imposition and conflict to begin.
• Children. Whether or not to have children is one of the first agreements a couple must reach.
• Pastimes. You’ll also need to agree on how to have fun and how to handle each other’s hobbies. This is an area that requires mental flexibility and a willingness on both sides to give a little.
• Purposes. People sometimes get married or move in together without having first verified that their purposes are so different that one is heading in one direction and the other is heading to the opposite extreme. There is a deep purpose, which we call complementary or compatible, that is indispensable; because if we try to build a relationship along different paths, we will never meet.
• Sexuality. We come from a culture in which sexuality has been treated as a taboo and a sin—as something bad for human beings, as a need of the flesh but not of the spirit. This creates enormous internal blocks. We therefore have the task ahead of us of freeing our minds and beginning to treat this topic like any other. Then we need to agree on our individual preferences regarding how we have sexual relations, their intensity, their frequency… All of this must be agreed upon to avoid assumptions and conflicts later on.
• Tenderness and affection. Both men and women are equally capable of giving and receiving affection and tenderness, although, culturally, men have been greatly restricted in their ability to express these kinds of emotions, because they’re supposed to be “very macho,” not to cry, to be strong, and tenderness is considered a girl thing… One of the most common complaints among couples is a lack of tenderness on the man’s part, because men are used to this and think it’s normal to be curt and not very affectionate. It is essential to establish an agreement on this point right from the start of the relationship.
• Time commitment. We need to agree on how much time each of us will devote to the relationship, because otherwise one person might say, for example, “I’ve been waiting for you since 7,” and the other person shows up at 11 because they didn’t know they were being waited for. Sometimes we may also feel suffocated and need a completely free space, where we can do whatever we feel like at that moment. But it’s also essential to reach an agreement about those spaces, because otherwise they become a source of conflict. If one partner says, for example, that they need to be alone once a week—even if it’s just four hours—with themselves and no one else, and an agreement has been reached on this, it must be respected.
• Work. It’s also important in a relationship to agree on which tasks and roles each person will take on, and when. Some people are addicted to work, and it never occurs to them that their personal relationships also need time and space. In general, to build agreements, we must break through the mental limits and conceptual difficulties that come from culture—which are what prevent us from establishing good relationships. Full spaces represent areas of shared complementarity and satisfaction where there is a good level of commitment that supports the stability of the relationship—in contrast to what happens, as we have already noted, with empty spaces. Once the levels of complementarity in a relationship have been assessed, if it is found that there are areas with little complementarity, each partner will draw up a list of the areas in which they would like to achieve greater satisfaction and will invite the other to meet to look for the most suitable options for establishing the corresponding agreements and commitments. If, after evaluating the different areas, the conclusion is reached that it is not possible to form that couple, there is no problem; it is always possible to have a friendship or another type of relationship. Our minds become obsessed with purely cultural issues. For example, we were taught that a relationship must be with one person and no one else, but that turns out not to be the case; relationships can be established with all human beings, provided we learn to build them properly; and, of course, there are different types of relationships. The only difference between them lies in the types of agreements on which the management of each relationship rests. Thus, for example, if both members of a couple agree to remain faithful, this is a mutual commitment, entered into freely by each person, and not an ounce of freedom is lost in the process, because it is an agreement. The heart of the matter lies in the capacity to love. There are two very important elements in a process of love: respect—that is, the ability to honor agreements—and trust—that is, the freedom to build agreements. Each person trusts that others have the capacity to make commitments out of their own freedom, since an agreement is not something imposed on another, but rather something freely assumed by the parties who have decided to establish it. Once an agreement exists, it becomes a commitment of love and trust. And it does not need to be broken, because both agreements and commitments can be modified and are flexible. And if they are not, they are not agreements, but impositions. If someone breaks an agreement or a commitment, they are being disloyal. This is a concept that covers a broader scope than “unfaithful,” and it applies to agreements in general, not just those made with a partner. Here is another example: a person has a fidelity agreement with their partner, but one day they are not satisfied with that agreement, because they want to experience something different. The right thing to do in this situation is to talk to their partner and say, “I’m willing to modify this agreement because I want to experience other things.” The agreement is not being broken. If the partner says no, then there is a new disagreement to be reconciled. But for someone to be able to raise the need to try another relationship, they must have enough trust to bring it up with the other person. Once again, the two elements of love appear: respect and trust. If we do not grant the freedom to modify an agreement—if we hold back, impose, or forbid—we step outside of love. And love is something very beautiful, which goes far beyond the concept of feeling and the limitations of the ego. Agreement liberates. Rules and beliefs enslave.

4.3 Agreements Based on Love

To establish agreements based on love, you need to follow these steps:

1. Value relationships over personal preferences and material things. Let’s think about what we generally give more importance to: people or things. We all know that people are more valuable than things, yet if one person makes a mistake—for example, breaks a vase or sets the house on fire—the other person reacts with blame and aggression. Sometimes we’re capable of lashing out over something as simple as a cold coffee; this means that the temperature of the coffee is more valuable to us than our relationship with the other person. But that’s not the case. What’s truly most valuable is that the other person brought us breakfast, even if it’s cold; later on, we can make an agreement about it so they learn to serve it hot. And what do we value more: relationships or beliefs? Beliefs are part of our ego. If one person believes one thing and another believes the opposite, and we place greater value on the belief, we end up in conflict over it. By contrast, if we place more value on the person, we’ll be willing to yield on our belief and our preference. Even if we know we’re right because we’ve verified the matter we disagree on, it’s necessary to give way and allow the other person to have certain experiences so they can verify the results for themselves—and that requires support. How do we know that we truly value our relationships? Because if we value them, we don’t complain or feel obligated to do anything. Of course, if there is something we disagree with, we have every right to make a new agreement about it; this involves developing our ability to negotiate.
2. Always be willing to offer support.
3. Always communicate with love. A person who values their relationships communicates harmoniously and chooses to learn or to teach, depending on the situation.
4. Depersonalize situations. It is important to treat any disagreement that arises in relationships as something separate from the people involved, since they are not the problem. It is always necessary to look for solutions rather than culprits; to do this, you simply need to avoid attaching anyone’s name to situations and instead treat each one as something we need to reach an agreement about.
5. Speak only about the positive. When raising the need for agreements in certain areas of a relationship, it’s very important to keep in mind that the purpose is always to improve the relationship. Therefore, we speak only about the positive, and instead of stressing how poorly the other person does certain things, we highlight all the positive things we would gain if we reached an agreement. Talking about the negative serves no purpose.
6. Stay in the present. Another unhelpful habit in managing relationships is talking about past problems, because it reopens wounds and resentments; moreover, past events cannot be changed. Therefore, every conversation should take place solely in the present, appreciating the mutual benefit and satisfaction that can be achieved in the future. The past can only be viewed from the present, with a single purpose: to reorganize each person’s mental conception of it. That is, we can value what we’ve learned from the past, but looking back to complain or to blame other people or ourselves is nothing more than a negative habit.

4.4 Handling Disagreement

Handling disagreements properly can become a process of mutual growth and continuous learning—one you can even enjoy if you see it as a game of options for personal growth. One possible game is to be the first to find the best option for reaching an agreement. One option might be: “I suggest that…”; another might be: “Let’s do it the way you say.” Through these games, you learn to handle any situation and to better understand the other person’s point of view; likewise, you develop the ability to adapt and to learn other ways of doing things and reaching mutual satisfaction.

Disagreement is inevitable at first, because no two personalities are alike. What matters is seeking to reconcile our differences if we aspire to a harmonious and peaceful coexistence, and for that we need the tool of agreement. As for managing disagreement, we propose the following tools to address it:

• Be trustworthy. We are not trustworthy when we communicate aggressively. In such cases, no one will tell us anything, because we let ourselves be carried away by feelings of rejection and by our inner suffering, or by fear of our own aggression or of being unable to handle an altered emotional state. Then we begin to manipulate; this is called the dictatorship of the weak: in reality, a person like this isn’t aggressive, but because they get sick over everything, somatize it and suffer through it all, they manipulate through that; and so that they don’t suffer, so that they don’t destroy themselves, we have to give them their way in everything. But it’s clear that in such a situation there is no agreement, only manipulation.
• Be flexible. Reaching agreements requires mental flexibility to yield on personal tastes and preferences.
• Be adaptable. When you can't reach an agreement on something that isn't vital, you can always adapt. Other matters, such as managing money, raising children, or making major investments, are different; it's not a matter of adapting, but of making a concession.
• Value the relationship. If the relationship isn’t valued, it’s not possible to reach an agreement. To handle disagreements in which everyone believes they are right, we generally use democracy, a system in which what the majority says is carried out; in such cases, there will always be people who feel resigned or who disagree with the final decision. Understanding based on love makes the decision completely satisfactory for everyone, but it requires developing inner love. When we are definitely unable to reach agreements, we are left with three options, all of them individual in nature:

1. One decides to adapt to the situation because one considers it the healthiest choice for oneself.
2. One decides to complement one's life in some way, after informing the others, since there is no agreement.
3. One decides to end the relationship, and each person goes their own way. These are the three possible options after all possibilities for agreement have been exhausted. The first exercise, then, is to seek agreements; only when it is verified that no agreement can be reached do you opt for individual decisions.

Conclusions

• To love is to enjoy everything you do.
• Love is 100% capacity for service, 100% commitment, 100% adaptability, 0% fear, and 0% resistance.
• Love is not a feeling; you cannot suffer for love.
• Love, like any other science, needs to be verified and practiced.
• With love you open up, and with fear you close down; with love you trust, with fear you doubt.
• To learn to value is to learn to love.
• To love is to learn to respect differences.
• To love is to be happy with another’s happiness.
• To love is to always give the best of yourself.
• To love is to have the capacity for excellent relationships.
• Love entails total acceptance.
• Love is universal, while agreements are specific.
• Love is neutral.
• Love implies a deep understanding of the Universe.
• Love is unity and balance; ignorance is duality and imbalance.
• The purpose of love is always associated with peace, harmony, happiness, satisfaction, and peaceful coexistence.
• Becoming a couple means placing yourselves at the same level, complementing each other, and being willing to even out your differences. This involves yielding and learning to make agreements.
• No one can make us happy; each of us makes ourselves happy.
• In an excellent relationship, there will be healthy communication, agreements, commitment, stability, and satisfaction.
• The secret to happiness in relationships is to do your best every day and lovingly accept the result that life gives you.
• Love does not arise spontaneously; it has to be developed. You don’t have to believe anything; you shouldn’t take anything as certain or as a given; you have to practice and verify in your own life whether this information works and produces satisfying results. With this information, we have three courses of action:

1. Store it in our library.
2. Carry it with us and teach it to everyone.
3. Make the information a part of ourselves, so that it becomes the way we act. Only in this last case will we achieve satisfactory results.

Training Exercises

Exercise for Practicing the Seven Tools of Love

Every day of the week, make a conscious effort to practice one of the tools in your daily life, wherever you are. For example, on Mondays you can focus on acting with effectiveness and serenity, and on paying special attention to what you do so as not to harm anyone in thought, word, or deed. On Tuesdays, you can practice the tool of adaptation, trying not to run away from the situations you are meant to live through. And so on.

Exercise to Express Love

This exercise requires constant self-observation practice, but it yields excellent results. The idea is to learn to express love when you feel bad and are facing difficulties. First, you stop blaming others or yourself; then, you stop reacting; and finally, you learn to express your love.

Mental Reprogramming with Loving Information

To do this exercise, repeat the following statements:

• I have the ability to be happy on my own. No external situation can affect my happiness, my peace, or my ability to love.
• I deeply value everything I have at my disposal, and I am committed to enjoying it to the fullest.
• I am grateful for all the opportunities I have to learn to serve with love. I am happiness, peace, and love.
• Every person always does the best they know how and the best they can.

Thermometer Exercise

To gauge how well you understand love and whether you have managed to replace feelings with love, I suggest you make a list with two columns: one for inner peace and one for outer respect. In the peace column, write down what used to upset you but no longer does, or that now affects you less; and in the respect column, note every situation in which you have respected others in their decisions, behavior, customs, ignorance, or anything else they do.

Personal Challenge Exercise

If you are willing to improve your relationships and have truly made a commitment, here is our suggestion: don’t attack, don’t complain, don’t blame others or yourself, look for solutions, and offer support. These are the tools for handling differences from a place of appreciation.

If you always do the same thing with the same attitude, you'll always get the same results. Change the information, change your attitude, and your results will change.